Dilema Saya
POST PERTAMA TAHUN INI JATUH PADA BULAN JULI???!!
oh shit.
i screwed it up.
okay i knew i committed to keep on writing and i said to myself that i wont stop doing what i like but WHEEERRREEEE DID IT GO?! WHERE TF DID MY MOTIVATION GO?!!!!! I'M A SPOILED LAZY KID. THE UNIVERSE KNOWS THAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF MY GRAMMAR IS STILL GOOD OR DANG MESSED UP.
Well yeah it was UN year and SBM year but so what? Last year i was caught in 4 or 5 events dunno i forgot and there's still school going on, AND BTW, i worked my ass off last year for teaching 2 junior classes about music. it didnt really pay off. note to self: dont ever let them choose how much to pay you.
so its not actually fair to make UN and SBM a main reason for my writer's block. i do tests all the time. my WHOLE life's a test. big deal.
anyway i made this post to admit how stupid i am to make a promise that i cant keep. told you guys that i would post every poem of mine that got through LINE OA's, but dang. looks like i was too good. there's just so many of them and it keeps adding on.
here's my confession:
i didnt really think i was that good, though. sure--- i wrote things that many people like. got a few fans as well.... but that's the problem. some days i wasn't really sure if those poems were about me. i mean, they shouldn't always be about me, i know, but...
i think i'm losing color.
i do have my 'me' poems posted but it seems like the whole world... didn't like it. or maybe they couldn't understand what it truly means? i don't know. some of my friends read my spontaneous poems (fresh from the oven!!! a.k.a my soul) but they just... you know... well, read it. that wast it. it confused me because i really liked that recent pure beautiful poem. and now, what was clear is: MY FAVORITE POEMS AREN'T THEIR FAVORITE.
that made me sad. and a bit sorry.
i realized that maybe all this time i was writing to gain popularity..... and i did. lots of it. i'm proud of myself--- sure. even my friends are proud. that's rare. and that became one of my moodboosters these past months.
but were they reading my poems because it only has a tiny bit part of me? were they liking me because my writings don't feature... me?
Seharusnya puisi itu luapan jiwa seseorang.
Therefore, I am very sinful to have myself writing for business.
it makes me wonder... do other writers have similar feelings? or do they think it's about the fame and money from the very first time???? gosh. tell me there are still pure souls out there--- for i am no longer pure.
i'm sorry. i broke my own oath. my poems are no longer the language of my true form. it's messed up. now my talent is to translate other people's sorrow, and make a sad fiction about unconditional love type of shit.
my dream was to have my own book but it looks like i'd have to get a bit dirty to get them sold...
from now on, i am a senior writer--- and a junior at the same time. my friends were wrong. my fame shouldn't be the measure of how good i am. enough grateful! i'd have to work hard to build my character all over again.
now that i know how society judges, i'm done experimenting. i'm glad. honored too, because many people want me to keep on writing. but this time, my true soul would take over.
bismillah.
(oiya, selamat lebaran semua!)
oh shit.
i screwed it up.
okay i knew i committed to keep on writing and i said to myself that i wont stop doing what i like but WHEEERRREEEE DID IT GO?! WHERE TF DID MY MOTIVATION GO?!!!!! I'M A SPOILED LAZY KID. THE UNIVERSE KNOWS THAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF MY GRAMMAR IS STILL GOOD OR DANG MESSED UP.
Well yeah it was UN year and SBM year but so what? Last year i was caught in 4 or 5 events dunno i forgot and there's still school going on, AND BTW, i worked my ass off last year for teaching 2 junior classes about music. it didnt really pay off. note to self: dont ever let them choose how much to pay you.
so its not actually fair to make UN and SBM a main reason for my writer's block. i do tests all the time. my WHOLE life's a test. big deal.
anyway i made this post to admit how stupid i am to make a promise that i cant keep. told you guys that i would post every poem of mine that got through LINE OA's, but dang. looks like i was too good. there's just so many of them and it keeps adding on.
here's my confession:
i didnt really think i was that good, though. sure--- i wrote things that many people like. got a few fans as well.... but that's the problem. some days i wasn't really sure if those poems were about me. i mean, they shouldn't always be about me, i know, but...
i think i'm losing color.
i do have my 'me' poems posted but it seems like the whole world... didn't like it. or maybe they couldn't understand what it truly means? i don't know. some of my friends read my spontaneous poems (fresh from the oven!!! a.k.a my soul) but they just... you know... well, read it. that wast it. it confused me because i really liked that recent pure beautiful poem. and now, what was clear is: MY FAVORITE POEMS AREN'T THEIR FAVORITE.
that made me sad. and a bit sorry.
i realized that maybe all this time i was writing to gain popularity..... and i did. lots of it. i'm proud of myself--- sure. even my friends are proud. that's rare. and that became one of my moodboosters these past months.
but were they reading my poems because it only has a tiny bit part of me? were they liking me because my writings don't feature... me?
Seharusnya puisi itu luapan jiwa seseorang.
Therefore, I am very sinful to have myself writing for business.
it makes me wonder... do other writers have similar feelings? or do they think it's about the fame and money from the very first time???? gosh. tell me there are still pure souls out there--- for i am no longer pure.
i'm sorry. i broke my own oath. my poems are no longer the language of my true form. it's messed up. now my talent is to translate other people's sorrow, and make a sad fiction about unconditional love type of shit.
my dream was to have my own book but it looks like i'd have to get a bit dirty to get them sold...
from now on, i am a senior writer--- and a junior at the same time. my friends were wrong. my fame shouldn't be the measure of how good i am. enough grateful! i'd have to work hard to build my character all over again.
now that i know how society judges, i'm done experimenting. i'm glad. honored too, because many people want me to keep on writing. but this time, my true soul would take over.
bismillah.
(oiya, selamat lebaran semua!)